Hey sis! Happy Monday. I am writing this post and I am still wondering what I am going to say. I am wondering how far into things I am going to get. I always share the good (because who doesn’t). That doesn’t mean that there isn’t bad (because there is). Now, my things that are bad – you may not think so. To me and my life, these things are tough. I want to talk about them also so that people who are reading know that I am a real person. I have good days and bad days just like everyone else. So, let’s jump into something that is not teacher related but still really important: health.
How healthy am I?
I used to ask myself this question all the time. Hey Erin, how healthy do you think you are? Do you think that number on the scale should be that high? Should it really be THAT low? How many miles are you logging this week? The list goes on. I was using the external motivation to get to where I wanted to be. I was never really internal motivation. In fact, I have a tough time getting motivated to do anything unless there is as outside factor. For example, I am not going to run fast just to run fast. I need a race that I am trying to PR. That is just how I am. For me that works and I do not think that there is anything wrong with that. If you would have told me 10 years ago that this is where I am, and this is what I looked like and my health challenges I would have said you are crazy. Because, I USED to be healthy. Now? Not so much. I am not writing this blog so that you can read it and then tell me you “can’t believe it” because guess what? Neither can I. But here I am, and things are changing.
That number on the scale
I am ALL about women who do not own a scale and do not weigh themselves. I think that is fantastic. I tried that, I have been trying that and lemme tell ya sis, it is NOT working for me. Every time I do get on to check in and make sure things are good, the number has crept up. And every time I get off the scale I say the same thing “oh, that HAS to be muscle.” Guys, I do not lift weights there is NO way that is muscle. Excuse me as I adjust the back bra strap as it creeps up again.
Since September I have gained 16 pounds. 16. That is about 2 pounds a week. My friends, that is not okay. I am going to tell you something about gaining that weight. Gaining that weight makes me 160 pounds. I will admit that I am pretty good and lifting other people up so my friend if you are bigger or smaller or whatever from 160 I do not care. Do you know who I care about? ME. I care about me and my health and my weight. For me, 160 pounds is not a healthy weight. It is not 160 because my muscle mass is a ton and I am strong. It is not 160 pounds because I am still training for an Ironman and my legs are the size of Hulk. No sis, I am 160 pounds because since September I have chosen to eat my through all the stress and feelings and emotions that have come with this year. That is not a good thing either.
The stresses of life
The stresses are here and they are big. You all know I am a teacher, and I teach Transitional Kindergarten at an amazing school. Our staff is killer and we are so amazing to each other. They are going to get their own blog post about how rad they are soon! We lift each other up and we make sure that we all have what we need. I do not know one person on staff that would tell me no if I needed help. They have made this year so amazing. However that doesn’t mean that it was not stressful. This year I taught a class of 26 kids. This is the largest class that I have every taught by myself. (granted I do have an aide but I am still the one responsible for the students at the end of the day.) Teaching 26 students is tough, it really is. Trying to ensure that they all know what they need to know, making it fun and engaging and helping all of them when they need it can be exhausting. So what would happen when I got home from work? I would sit and I would eat. I wouldn’t workout because I was too tired. I would make excuses for myself instead of take action
Then there is the stress of feeling badly about yourself. I feel bad about myself so I figure “well, I’m already here so what’s one more cookie?” That is really not the way that I should be talking to myself, and you shouldn’t be talking to yourself like that either. I know that we all get into a funk and it can be tough to get out, however the only way to get out is to basically get over it. Get over the fact that we aren’t where we want to be, get over the fact that we could be better, get over whatever fact is holding us back. Take action, and get better!
Blood work says a lot
So, I knew I wasn’t feeling the best. I was tired all the time and I knew I was eating badly. What do I do next? I went to the doctor. I really do not like to go to the doctor but I did. They recommended that I have some blood work done. I went down expecting a small amount and when she pulled out 9 vials I was so confused! I am sorry, but are those all for me?! YES was her answer. For pete’s sake that is a lot of blood. After feeling like the life had been sucked out of me (I’m dramatic, can you tell?) I left the doctor and waited for my results. They came the next day. The results? I was diagnosed as pre-diabetic. Not the pre-diabetic type where you need to change a little bit and it’ll be fine. No, the pre-diabetic type where you are on the cusp of full diabetes and if you don’t get your life together soon you’re going to have a really big problem. I didn’t even know where to start. Me, the girl that did an Ironman a mere 2 and half years ago is so dangerously close to being diabetic. It’s all because of what I have chosen to do as well. It is all my fault. Where do we go from here?
What do I do now? I go back to how I was. I go back to the person who loved to workout and be healthy. I remember how I felt when I would train for a race and accomplish the race that I was hoping for, that I KNEW I was going to get because I put in all the work. I am going back to the runner that I am and getting back to the person who hates kale but eats it anyways. Sometimes we think that we can beat ourselves up with little consequences but oh my friend how wrong we are. The more we beat ourselves up the worse it gets. As I get older I really do feel like I put less importance on what other people think of me and more importance on what I think of myself. I know that I can still have a great workout and leave feeling amazing. I know that I can still feel confident in a bathing suit and I know that I can still be a role model to other people about what it means to be healthy.
How do I feel?
How do I feel about all of this? Honestly, I sort of feel like a fraud. I have been doing my best to make sure that everyone else feels amazing about themselves and I am over here feeling so yucky about where I am. I am not taking my own advice or ANY advice that anyone else gives me for that matter. Right now I feel like I am barely making it and that I am not sure if I can truly turn it all around. Right now I wonder if I can take off that 16 pounds that I gained this year and how long it will take me.
On the same note I also feel relieved. Relieved that I got some answers to why I am not feeling my best. I am relieved that there is something that I can do about it and that although it will take time, it is something that is in my control. I know that when I set my mind to something I get it done. And this will be no different.
It can be hard to tell people things about yourself and it can be really tough to know that there are people out there judging you. I feel that those who judge me, are also judging themselves so they aren’t much to worry about.
If you are going through a tough season let’s work it out together! Feel free to get in touch with me about what is going on and let’s keep each other accountable so that we can be the best versions of ourselves!